The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN