11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Me too 😆
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”