I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
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(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.