5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.