Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?