Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When I said I liked it rough.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Put the is in disheveled
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised