Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You Might Also Like
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
his wife is probably gonna see that