So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
when revenge coincides with naptime
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Shortcut
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell