the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You Might Also Like
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”