When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.