Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?