Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
You Might Also Like
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this