I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768