If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
that colleague who touches your screen
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My diet starts in January
of 2027
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
this is how life feels
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
i’m sure it’s fine
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.