I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Overindulged this afternoon.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”