I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
This is my cat’s medicine.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.