I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*