Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”