Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
just witnessed a drug deal
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.