Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”