{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.