“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
when revenge coincides with naptime
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will