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No-one: I can hear screaming
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues