“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I’m putting together a team
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows