A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole