Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.