Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
tourist season
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
it’s the silliest best thing
