Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.