me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.