There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You Might Also Like
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?