Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
blocked.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
bout dat hot dog summer
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”