it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
And bowling should be called pinball
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.