When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier