@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

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@ch000ch

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

@Quanty_J

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@FriedWords

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

@bewgtweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@Holy_Mowgli

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.