All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Why are bridges so flammable.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Need this in my life lol
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.