Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
🖤✌🏽
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
🤣🤣🤣
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out