Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.