I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You Might Also Like
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP