robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
You Might Also Like
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?