If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.