*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework