God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.