Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
You Might Also Like
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks