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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.