If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!