My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
New tinder profile pic
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.