Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one