[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.