“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault