when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You Might Also Like
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me trying to look natural in photos
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying