the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
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your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?