I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.