I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I drew y’all a little something.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Cardio Made Easy
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.