Favourite diary entry ever
You Might Also Like
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?