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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.