My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!